Carpool

Preparing for the High Holidays means engaging in a “cheshbon hanefesh” - accounting of the soul. This includes taking personal inventory of our behavior and the lessons we may unwittingly be teaching our children. In Judaism, G-d is in the details, and everyday courtesy is an important detail.

Whoa, Nelly. In our competitive, overscheduled world, we look for shortcuts and creative justifications for breaking rules, and forget that our children are watching.

Look no further than the carpool drop-off lane at your child's school. Administrators are forced to write letters begging parents to be polite and follow the rules. I have a collection of these letters, ranging from moving sermons to stand-up comedy routines, all to convince parents -- those same parents who so badly want children to follow rules at home -- to follow carpool rules designed for safety, efficiency and fairness.

More often than we realize, we do things we don't want our children to emulate. The High Holidays are a good time to switch gears and find ways to practice “derech eretz,” beginning with the details of daily living.

Our sages’ suggestions are as sensitive, countercultural and ethically sharp today as they were 2,000 years ago. Here are some of my personal favorites, some from "Guide to Derech Eretz" (Feldheim, 1993) by Rabbi Shaul Wagschal:

To protect a teacher from possible embarrassment, don't ask a question if you suspect he may not know the answer.

Invite guests to Shabbat dinner by Wednesday, so they won't think the invitation is an afterthought.

In the days before locks, people had to knock on the door of their own house so as not to startle those already home. Proof? G-d stood by the portal of the Garden of Eden and summoned Adam, as the verse says, "The L-rd called to Adam and said to him, 'Where are you?'

Laws of lashon hara prohibit gossip, even in its most subtle, peripheral form, called “avak lashon hara,” ‘dust’ of gossip. For example, never praise too highly, because too much praise can invite the other person to compare the image you're presenting to his own.

If a person was sentenced to death by hanging, never say to one of his relatives, "Hang up the towel," because the word "hang" evokes sad memories.

When the rabbis noted that the rich brought their first fruit bikkurim offerings in silver bowls and the poor in woven baskets, they instituted a "baskets-only" rule.

When dancing on certain holidays, rich girls exchanged dresses with the poor to avoid embarrassment.

To these venerable laws I’d like to add three suggestions to give parents opportunities to teach by example.

1. A parent must lay down his/ her phone when greeting his child. The laws of derech eretz state that you should try to greet others as soon as you spot them, so they won't think you're ignoring or trying to avoid them.

Your child deserves as much consideration. Get off the cell before they get in the car. If the phone rings during the first few minutes of your greeting, don't answer it. Think of the phone as the snake in the garden. It's an alluring temptation to connect, but the caller knows how to leave a message. If you don't answer the phone immediately, your child gets a message, too -- that greeting someone in person takes precedence.

2. It is forbidden to cut ahead in the carpool line. Why? Because it is a theft of time. The Talmud explores the problem of two boats simultaneously approaching a bottleneck in a river. If it is impossible for both to pass together, they should compromise as following: One boat goes first, and the captain of this boat compensates the second boat for the time that it lost waiting. What is your compensation for waiting your turn in the carpool lane?

You are teaching your child patience and courtesy.

3. A mother or father shall not fib on a child's behalf, not even to maintain the purity of the college transcript. In my travels around the country, I hear stunning examples of parents who commit unethical acts to help their children -- the father who signed his daughter's name to an e-mail he wrote to her English teacher contesting a grade; the mother who rewrote her son's college application essay without his knowledge; the parents who research and even write their children's papers for them.

The rabbis say that one should not break a promise to a child - doing so teaches the child to lie. If you tweak the rules for your children, you are breaking the agreement you made with them when they were young. Back then, you taught them to tell the truth. When they see your hypocrisy, they will lose respect for you, imitate your behavior, or both.

Judaism’s rules are meant to be followed, even when your daughter absolutely must get to the orthodontist on time, even when you're tempted to say, "Just this once."

The commandment to honor one's parents elevates derech eretz to prominence in our High Holiday inventory.