by Miriam Adahan

Having worked with battered women most of my life, I see similarities between certain misguided Israelis' behavior and the mentality of women desperate for any hope of love, because the truth is unbearable.

1. "It takes two to make a fight, so I must deserve this abuse. I'm not perfect either. I left dishes in the sink, was talking on the phone when he came home and didn't have dinner ready. I also got confused after he beat me up and didn't function well. When he spits at me and bullies me, it's hard to make the fancy meals he demands."

("As penance for not being perfect, we must allow them to murder us.")

2. "He's so angry, I must be to blame. People don't get angry about nothing. I didn't do enough to please him. If I try harder, I'll eventually win his love."

("We must make more concessions. As an enlightened country, we must work to make them more humane, more civilized.")

3. "No matter how bad he acts, I truly believe he doesn't really mean to hurt me. He does want a peaceful home and really loves me underneath it all. He acts like this just to prove his masculinity."

("He's our partner no matter how many Israelis are killed. The fact he keeps wanting to talk is proof.")

4. "I stand by him through thick and thin. You don't leave during bad times. When you're willing to forgive after a beating, you prove your loyalty."

("We're proud that we keep negotiating even under fire.")

5. "I have no delusions of grandeur. I simply believe in love, it's the only power in the world. With love, I CAN turn this frog into a Prince! A woman has the power to do the impossible! If I love HIM so much, it must be that HE loves me too. It can't be that I'm creating love out of nothing. That would be foolish, and I'm no fool!"

("We'll make the Arabs love us.... We'll gain their approval in the end.")

6. "Some days I feel like committing suicide; if I didn't exist, I wouldn't be abused! I'll give up my dreams, my identity, my desires and shrink myself to nothing. Then the abuse will stop, 'cause I'll no longer be here to take it."

("If we shrink down to nothing there won't be anything to attack.")

7. "I'm proud of my ability to take abuse, it puts me at a higher level.

The more he hurts me, the more I prove my superiority by forgiving and forgetting."

("Hey world! See how much we're willing to suffer and not fight back! Now will you love the Jews?")

8. "My dear Uncle Sam keeps telling me that its up to me to stop the violence. I don't understand, because I was cooking him a meal the last time he took a shot at me. But Uncle Sam helps pay the bills, so I have to listen."

("Every country pressures us to give in. We have to listen or we won't be able to pay the bills.")

9. "I'm a nice peace loving person. I'll lose my self-image if I turn into one of those aggressive types who fights back, argues, calls the police or makes waves."

("We're so good! No Arab country is willing to take in Arab refugees. Think of the goodwill if only the Jews are willing to act as the saviors of the Arabs. THEN, we'll really win the love of all the world.")

10. "It's a sign of spirituality to be optimistic. So, I'm full of hope I can win his love. My European relatives urge me to `Hang in there! Respect him more!' I really want these relatives to like me. I can't bear rejection."

("If we just keep giving in, the anti-Semitism will stop.")

11. "Look, we've been to all these romantic places - Madrid, Sharm el Sheik, Taba, Camp David, Wye Plantation - you don't know how charming he can be. I'm willing to do ANYTHING to work things out. He gets SO angry if I refuse. The fact he wants to talk means that he cares about me, doesn't it?"

("Look how much they want to talk! Doesn't that mean they really love us?")

12. "I have no choice. He's my only hope - its better than no relationship at all. I can't bear to be alone."

("We must make concessions or they'll kill us. There is no other partner for peace. Better an illusion of love than facing the reality of his hatred.")

13. "I'm so weak and helpless. I need him to protect me."

("Let's trust the Palestinian authority to fight terrorism and protect our holy sites in the future. Past history doesn't count.")

14. "People tell me that the whole problem is that I didn't show respect in the past. Even if he beats me up, I must show restraint and be respectful. That that is the ultimate key - respect. Then I'll be LOVED. I can't wait!"

("If Arafat gets enough peace awards, it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy and he'll change and become the nice guy we envisioned he can be.")

15. "I'm tired of fighting. I have no strength left. I just want him to love me. I'm sure he'll learn to appreciate."

("No more war. We need to be loved. There is no other peace partner.")

16. "I got used to it. Most of the time, it doesn't even hurt that much."

("We can take it. We're tough. We clean up the blood and go on. These are sacrifices for peace.")

17. "At least he's showing me attention. That's better than being ignored."

("The Americans didn't try to protect the Kurds or the Tibetans. They didn't try to make peace between the Greeks and Turks or the Pakistanis and Indians. Look how much attention they're giving little Israel. This MUST be love! The whole UN dwells only on Israel!")

18. "He keeps saying that HE is the abused one. When he shoots at me with his new gun, he tells me how much he's suffered and I feel bad for him. It makes him feel more of a man to beat me up, he needs this release!"

("The Arabs are SO frustrated! The occupation deprives them of their manhood. Let them let off steam and give MORE money, more ARMS - after all, Arabs love guns....")

19. "He's really not evil, just misguided. He had a difficult childhood. He doesn't realize what he's doing. It's really not his fault. He doesn't know better. He needs to be educated."

("Arabs are just frustrated. By example, we'll teach them to be more humane.")

20. "Everyone tells me to forget the past. Start again. They say he turned over a new leaf. I HAVE to give him another chance. Maybe he's changed. He did bring me flowers when I was in the hospital after he broke my nose.

He's often helpful to the neighbors. He can't be ALL bad. I'm sure he'll change with the right therapist."

("No one was killed today, maybe we CAN trust them! Hurray! Things ARE getting better. My love was rewarded! We just have to get the right negotiating team and talk long enough and it will work out....")

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